Rodney Dangerfield No Respect Meme Comedian Dangerfield’s Men T-Shirt

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“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”

“My wife was afraid of the dark…then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.”

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.”

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”

“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

“With my wife, I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.”

“Life is just a bowl of pits.”

“A girl phoned me the other day and said…’Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.”

“My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

“My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”

“I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”

“My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”

“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”

“At 20 a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.”

“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”

“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”

“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”

“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.”

“Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.”

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”

“Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.”

“With my dog, I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”

“I was so poor growing up – if I wasn’t a boy – I’d have had nothing to play with.”

“I’m getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!”

“I told my doctor I want to stop aging, he gave me a gun!”

“When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!”

“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.”

“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.”

“When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.”

“Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.” Rodney Dangerfield No Respect Quotes